Aljo-Log

Archive for March, 2007

I am becoming uglier and uglier. And that it hurts because I have never had a girlfriend. When I was younger and still beautiful that there were girls who liked me, but that I now feel the Netherlands government made sure I would never be with a girl I liked. I am convinced that my smoking addiction which later led to my ugliness was planned by the Netherlands government. So I never had a girlfriend, except for Beth an American military radio presenter (but that she wasn’t allowed to go out with me), and that now I am too old for romance. Because of my bald head I feel unwanted, so that I can no longer be the kind of person I would want to be. As it is I like Australian women better than Dutch women. With my bad genes I should never have any children anyway! While in university I saw only 5 different female students the whole 2 and a half years I was there! In high school after age 15 all nice girls had been removed from our class and replaced by female nerds. I remember well how some fellow students blamed our Prime Minister for this, and looking back I feel PM Lubbers really was to blame for this. If the Netherlands government really wanted to keep me single until after age 40 that then these interventions to keep attractive women away from me make perfect sense! It probably is the truth too! Why would the government do this all to me? Wouldn’t it have to do with the fact that they use me to manipulate society? Truth is since age 16 the Dutch have stimulated the locals to gossip about me. By now probably 50% of the Dutch people must know who I am. However the Netherlands is no longer my home country; I am only here because of my failing health which won’t let me leave this place for some other country. And I figure this is also deliberate. The Netherlands is generating a lot of bad feelings with me which I am not going to put up with. I haven’t viewed any Dutch TV since March 2003 and now I listen less and less to Dutch radio. I even quit my newspaper subscription and no longer know what is going on in the news. Since recently I am viewing CNN regularly again, I am sure CNN could become a lot more popular if they had more shows – like before – about world music, about successful business people and about travel. I feel that local TV stations don’t want CNN to attract too many of their local viewers and that this could be the reason why 10 years ago I would view CNN all night two to three hours in a row, because they still had shows like I mentioned above. The reason I have been made ugly is maybe because I would have caused many people to stay away from the Dutch media and that the Dutch didn’t want me to be the reason for less people being interested in Dutch culture. So the Netherlands government took away my beauty so that people would get adverse feelings about me, so that they wouldn’t all start to watch CNN because I used to do the same. The reason why the Netherlands government did this to me must lie in this direction. It gets me really upset and angry!

Aljo_

I do get quite a few emails with comments about this weblog. Most of these mails come from Russia and feature advertisement for online pharmacies, where you can order cheap Viagra or Vitamin-C. For instance I got this email from the USA which advertised for a drug called Phentermine – if I remember correctly – which is a drug to suppress the urge to eat. I want to make it clear that I will not allow any messages on this weblog containing advertisements like these. If you really want and expect your comment to be added to this weblog, then send me a comment on a posting on this weblog. Like ‘I agree’ or ‘I disagree because’ or ‘I find your opinion interesting’. These are about the only comments I will allow, and I don’t care if you come from Russia or the United States, this is my rule. Please do add comments to my postings, I appreciate it.

Aljo_

I discovered American military radio in 1981, and by 1983 I listened only to them and no longer listened to Dutch radio. Dutch popular radio personalities Rob Stenders and Jeroen van Inkel used to do a show on Friday evenings in about 1990, and that their starting jingle of this show featured the Motley Crue song ‘Kickstart My Heart.’ I feel the Dutch deliberately poisoned my heart with an experimental medication I had to take in the AZU in 1990, because they wanted to take my freedom away from me. Which later resulted in me needing a pacemaker, this is punishment by the Dutch government over me listening to AFN all the time and no longer listening to Dutch radio. AFN taught me what a fascinating country the USA is and that The Netherlands is mediocre compared to the US. When I got my first pacemaker in 1998 a certain Dutch music group made a song about my heart condition, they are called: Van Dik Hout and they made a song titled: ‘Mijn Houten Hart’ (My wooden heart) and recently there is a Dutch band which made a song titled ‘Hart Van Glas’ (Heart of Glass). The Dutch government stimulated the local Dutch community to gossip about me since the 1980s and instructed these Dutch bands to make songs about my heart condition. I find this absurd! Because of my heart condition I hardly go outside anymore and that I feel as if I am under house arrest. Because I am convinced that certain people can remotely make me feel better or worse. This is all intentional! I wish I could leave The Netherlands for good!

Aljo_

I notice so clearly how there are people who are making sure that my thinking process is being frustrated, for instance when I try to understand something new on my computer that my mind simply refuses to think, or when I want to remember some information that it is instantly removed from my memory. Shrinks will say: “this is a symptom of your mental condition”, well I no longer believe this. Because I get threats against me that my thinking process will never be normalized. This is because certain people envy me my computer science study. And it has become clear to me that there really are people who control my thinking process. This gets me very angry! It is just like my baldness which was also deliberately done to me, and that I know who did it and how but that mental health care professionals don’t want to consider evil intend by some third party! I want to learn to program C# and that it isn’t too complex, but that my mind refuses to think when I need to understand something new and that when I finally figured out how something works that I cannot remember it. Just like how my English vocabulary is shrinking because there are people who make sure I cannot remember all English words I learned over the years. Again this makes me furious. The Dutch government isn’t going to protect me, and I cannot leave the country due to my bad health, so I am stuck here! This was deliberately done to me! I know who is doing this to me, and that I find the Dutch government cowards that they won’t keep these people, who made me ill in the first place, away from me. I guess I really need the American military around!

Aljo_

This is incredible, but Microsoft produced a software development kit Taylor made to produce your own Windows or XBOX game! If you would want to you can even connect your XBOX to your PC and run your self-made game on it! But you can also opt to select a game project for Windows. This is so new that there aren’t even any books about it in stores yet. But such books are on their way! Only a few days ago I was wondering if DirectX would be able to do my shading for me, well Xna is able to help you produce a fancy game with ease! I only discovered this today so I don’t know much about it yet, but this is really worth considering! The picture with this posting shows a part of the New Project dialog of the C# SDK and that you can choose between making a Windows or an XBOX game project. There is a tool called ‘Xna Game Studio Express’ which is providing the software needed to do game programming and which works together with ‘Visual C# 2005 Express Edition’. I’ve read enough for today, but the upcoming week I will read some more on the Internet about how ‘Xna Game Studio Express’ works and what it could mean to me.

Aljo_

I thought to myself: ‘I can try to do this complex math to make my own shading, or I can figure out if my PC’s video component can do this shading for me…’ So I looked around on the Internet and discovered that it is really easy to let your video card use its DirectX to draw your solid models with shading for you! There even is a Software Development Kit available which lets you construct so called ‘mesh’ files, and a mesh-file is a file with the definition of the shape, colour, and texture of the object you want to draw. Like for instance a teapot. C# in combination with .NET is Taylor made to use DirectX. This is really interesting!

Aljo_

Back in 1988 before I started my smoking addiction I looked handsome. I was in love with American military women at the time. And that the Dutch Government had decided that Dutch females should no longer fall in love with me. So the mental health care providers made me addicted to cigars, because most mental patients smoke, and that smoking turned my teeth slightly yellowish which then led to my baldness. Also the shape of my face has changed, my face has gotten fat and round, and that I feel it has to do with my baldness. Earlier this month it was suggested to me that my good looks were deliberately taken away from me. The Dutch wanted to make sure that Dutch females would no longer fall in love with me because of my looks. The point is, that the only Dutch female I still want a relationship with is, is the girl who fell in love with me in 1994, when I still had 90% of my hair and looked fine. But that the Dutch denied me a relationship with her, because the Dutch wanted me to marry some woman they had selected for me, because of spiritual and social reasons but that I was unaware of this because I didn’t know what this ‘other woman’ looked like, and that I liked girl1994 a lot. Maybe if I had remained true to ‘the other woman’ that I wouldn’t have lost all my hair, but that the Dutch really wanted me bald. The Netherlands is no longer my home, but that due to my failing health I am not free to move abroad and that I find this a major injustice. Just like making me ugly is a major injustice, and these are only two examples of what wrongs the Dutch did to me. My whole hometown is still gossiping about me. But that I no longer want to be a public figure with my three chronic health conditions and my faded looks. It is like eating money. The Dutch did me wrong, and should be held accountable. When I listen to Dutch songs from the 1980s it seems as if they all have the same message: “Let’s hurt Aljo’s pride!” Because I was very fond of the Americans of Soesterberg AB. Something which hurt the self image of the Dutch very much. It wouldn’t surprise me if all my problems were done to me by the Dutch for the simple reason that for some 10 years I lived like an American, while living in Amersfoort. This is like a nightmare for the Dutch government. But that the Dutch denied me a peer group, teased me away from Dutch radio and denied me a love life. I probably would have had an interest in American culture anyway, because 10 years with the Americans taught me that the USA is a far more interesting country than any country in Europe! Since 2003 I am also viewing ZDF (German Number Two Network) and that I truly like German politics too. At European level, they don’t appreciate it either when you feel or show so much affection for America. There is this Italian movie titled: ‘La Vita E Bella’ (life is beautiful) and that this was the European take on why I should become unattractive. My life would have been so much better if I only had been allowed to stay in Australia in 1984! I am sure that I wouldn’t have any chronic health conditions today if I had become an Australian. Because I am convinced that these conditions were deliberately done to me, and that this is much worse than me losing my appearance. My bald head makes me hurt in public. My feelings for the Netherlands will never be the same again!

Aljo_

Lately – when I am working on my PC in my parents place – that I notice how I do irresponsible things with my PC, and that I notice clearly how someone else is overruling my mind and making me do these things. There is this Dutch girl group calling themselves ROOOM which stands for Rulers Of Our Own Minds. I am NOT ruling my own mind! How is this possible? Why am I doing these things with my PC, why am I not able to decide to play things safe and not even attempt things which could harm my system? Aljo would be able to stay away from these things, but Aljo isn’t Aljo, Aljo is someone else! Something mental health care professionals consider impossible and nonsense by patients. Well Mr Shrink, this is real! And I am whopping mad that the Netherlands government won’t set me free! So I curse a lot at our Prime Minister Balkenende. I am a political prisoner, not physically, but mentally! I haven’t seen a shrink in nine months; I think these people came to the conclusion that I am not a patient, but a combatant in a war, where this war is not physical but in people’s minds. Like how my first psychoses weren’t my own thoughts at all. If someone else rules your mind, then he or she can make you as mentally confused as he or she wants, but that it wouldn’t be an illness, still 20 years ago, shrinks didn’t know of this possibility. Only since a few years it must have gotten to them that my condition isn’t an illness but due to an act of war. Maybe the truth about the cause of my health conditions will be known one day…

Aljo_

The Dutch government has found a way to use my heart condition to deny me all freedom. And that after realizing this that I see how the Netherlands government is treating me like a convict, a criminal. Only because I found a home abroad, actually I have three homes one in Australia, one in New York and one in Berlin. I wonder why the Dutch have the nerve to defy my powerful, mighty friends and treat me like a detainee in The Netherlands. Maybe Bundeskanzlerin Merkel can tell our Prime Minister Balkenende, that it is the Dutch their own fault that I shed my Dutch identity, they simply severed all my roots here. There are still high ranking Dutch civil servants and powerful Dutch businessmen who still think that The Netherlands is paradise, to them maybe, but there are more and more people who feel like Dutch society is denying them their happiness. I am happy with my American, Australian and German friends, I no longer need the Dutch and that is something which the Dutch government cannot accept, they feel like for all Dutch nationals Holland should come first. I am leading the life of a senior citizen at age 40 something, probably because I am not allowed to be married because people in power in the 1980s came up with this social concept where youngster are deliberately made very unhappy to hurt them over appreciating American culture. Like that song on Australian radio with a line going like: “You are the generation that bought more shoes and you’re going to know it!” I wish I hadn’t been such an Anglophile, but the English language is my life, my identity. How there is no such thing as the German people, the Germans define the German people as all people who have the German language as their first language. Why since the 1950s and 1960s are so many songs by local artists in the English language? Surely there must be a good reason for this! And it is even more beneficial than having a much larger market to sell your music, the English language is a means for the World to get together and understand each other. I am not a criminal because I felt at home with the local American Air Force unit when they were still here. There must be influential Dutch people who hated the American culture that Soesterberg AB emitted with 3,000 airmen. The Americans gave me the time of my life, and the Dutch tried to hurt me over this. The Dutch are simply wrong.

Aljo_

Well, I typed the mathematical formulas in my program and wondered if I’d get a Phong Shaded type of picture. I don’t quite understand the math behind Phong Shading yet, but now I’ve got about all ingredients I need in my project. I think if I check one of my books that I should be able to make a ‘real’ Phong Shading Model. Because this picture shows an over simplified model. What I need is a method that creates a matrix that rotates any vector into the positive Z-axis. That’s about the only component I still lack. I got me a new book and that it is full of examples of how to do things. Only disadvantage is that this new book uses the Z-axis as up, where I use the Y-axis as up, but this book has lots of drawings showing how to create a matrix for various tasks. I was thinking maybe I should make a method that generates a ball because then you can clearly establish if your Phong Shading methods do the job. Again it strikes me how in one night and morning I made a huge advance on my project, only because C# is so user friendly! In university in the 1980s I didn’t even consider trying to implement Phong Shading or Ray Tracing. I am amazed by my progress today!

Aljo_