Aljo-Log

Archive for September, 2008

I am so fed up with the fact that I am not free to think and that I feel tired as soon as I get up in the morning. So all day I am too tired to use my mind for programming, as if I am fatigued by physical activity. This is no illness this is freedom denied to me. I feel so manipulated, my life as a mental patient would be like one long vacation and that this is denied to me, so these people gave me a heart condition and a muscle disorder to make sure that I would not be enjoying myself. In 1999, 2000 and 2001 when my heart was not as bad as it is today I went on city trips in the Netherlands to do photography and sent my photos to Australia where they were featured in a publication for immigrated Dutch people. For almost 20 years my brain refuses to think academically and that I feel this is because the Dutch authorities deny me this, and that illness has got nothing to do with it. I need to leave the Netherlands.

Aljo_

PS There must be people who can in fact manipulate my thinking process. That thoughts on my mind are generated and deleted and that memories are erased by people who have these abilities and that these people deny me the freedom to think according to my own free wil.

It seems like my brain refuses to think, that it is lazy. While I love to think, I feel there is someone in the back of my head who only thinks of making love and who isn’t interested in computer programming. I think that the Dutch government will only let me think again when I am bald, that this is basically what all the fuss is about. Just considering this makes me really angry! I feel people did me wrong. That I studied so hard in university between 1984 and 1986 and that then I was kicked off university. After I became a mental patient I never expected to ever study again. So when people promised me after 15 years that I might even study again, that I just didn’t believe it and that I couldn’t forget that I was kicked off university in the first place! I want to work for Microsoft. Because after I left university I was hired by the American Department of Defense. I liked my job with them a lot better than any job I could ever get in The Netherlands. I would however have wanted to complete my Masters Degree, and I would have wanted to keep my hair. But it was my intention to immigrate to Australia after completing university, and then marry me an Australian woman. These are things the Dutch always denied me. And now I have a lazy brain because my rider is disturbing my concentration. I cannot even remember the information contained on one page of some computer science book, this is no mental condition this is an act of war!

Aljo_

PS The medication I am taking could also be detrimental to my thinking ability, but that I am having problems with remembering and that other people using the same medication don’t have problems similar to me. I feel my freedom of thought is denied to me!

This is really good news for me. The council responsible for determining which TV stations are on my hometown’s cable system decided to keep both ZDF (German Number Two Network) and BBC2. They got 164 mails asking them to keep these stations. ZDF appeals more to older people it said in the justification for keeping both ZDF and BBC2. So I can keep on viewing heute, Berlin Direct, Berlin Mitte, and TV personalities like Steffen Seibert, Klaus Kleber, Gundela Gause, Marietta Slomka, Heinz Wolf, Barbara Hahlweg, and Petra Gerster to name a couple. My German is improving that I understand passively more and more difficult words. Also those police series can be really fun to watch. And older people love ZDF’s Schlager music shows.

Aljo_

My short term memory has become so bad that I cannot remember anything! For instance I was reading in this book about computer programming and that I couldn´t even remember the information contained on the page I was reading. I feel there must be people who deny me the freedom to use my own mind. I shout often: “Set me free to think, remember and anticipate, Mister Prime Minister!!!” The reason why I think this is deliberately being done to me is because there must be someone who is manipulating my thinking process by negating my thoughts. When for instance Aljo wants to turn the hot water knob this ‘rider’ makes me grab the cold water knob. Or when Aljo wants to read something on his computer screen that this rider causes Aljo to close the window this information is on. Or for instance when Aljo is pouring milk in a glass and realizes this glass is almost full I need to stop pouring, that this ‘rider’ makes me spill milk. All this is really frustrating and annoying. But it doesn’t seem to be a mental illness to me. Someone needs to set me free!

Aljo_

You’ve got to know when to hold them,
Know when to fold them,
Know when to walk away,
And know when to run.

You never count your money,
When you’re sitting at the table,
There’ll be time enough for counting when the dealin’s done.

Aljo_